by SOA Guru
my rough poem, do you have any suggestions?
2:24 am in SOA Answers by SOA Guru
this poem needs to be refined, but until then; sit back, unwind. be sure to speak your mind.
im walking on a cloud… of smog
on a downtown city street.
a cigarette dies in my fingertips
as an old one grabs my feet
on the sidewalk i walk
within a nameless mass
old and broken, it still persists
to suffocate the grass.
this perception of humanity
the diluted, polluted, computed
image of self we’re forced to believe
should receive the ultimate reboot.
so those of us who are young.
those of us who see the act
you are by no means broken in
so break away from the pack.
Lose the dots. The cadence of the first two stanzas was almost riveting. The Bob-Dylan-esque multiple rhyming in the third stanza was a little weak, and you broke the cadence of ABCB in the stanza as well. The fourth stanza lets you down.
The first two stanzas are so strong. I would imagine the first two stanzas came to you, seeming like manna from heaven, falling out of your incredible brain like raindrops. Mesmerizing.
Then your consciousness took over and decided it needed to give reason to the first eight lines. Don’t listen to your consciousness. It is not necessary to draw conclusions for your readers. The beauty of poetry is that it can be interpreted in many ways, not just one per reader, either!
I don’t know who you are or where you live. But the first eight lines took me mentally to a small village in England, the kind that still have the coal stacks. I recalled two young men standing on a broken sidewalk (except they call it pavement there) sharing a cigarette because they are so expensive there. The buildings dusted with coal, the grass struggling to survive even in the middle of summer. It was a humid day, and the air was as thick. The area was depressed economically, and the young men I saw had little prospects in their hometown. The Industry moved away. Yet it seemed ghosts crowded the streets.
That you could move me there, even though you’ve probably never been there, was magic. Intoxicating. Then you started to tell me how to interpret your poem and it started falling apart. You have a gift. Let it use you instead of vice versa. I look forward to seeing an update of this poem.
this poem is a really good poem, but r u like suppose to have similes and metaphors.
so if u do and then u might add some.
but, the poem is really good
GOOD JOB